have you ever felt like your being choked, pinned against a wall-unable to move,or cry out for help?
that’s exactly what i am feeling right now. i always thought it was a shame that mostly young people chose to end their lives instead of asking for help for temporary solutions.Now I know exactly how they feel. I can’t bear to disappoint my parents.I am not the best example for being the oldest kid at home…god, I hope non of my siblings turn up like me.
I grew up very independent and hard headed. so now that i am in deep shit i can’t ask for help. or even how to do that…i’ve been mostly by myself my whole life and at the beginning of the year the guy whom i will always love, but just recently realized that- wanted to take our relationship and make it official but i ran from him. i am not used to counting on someone other than myself and it scared me and i slowly started getting depressed.
I also grew up to thinking i have no say in anything which is also why i probably never can make a decision- i am so fucked up! I hope one day he forgives me, because I have grown tired of trying to tell him, i want him to understand why but recently he won’t give me the time of day any longer.
I slept all day, didn’t go to school. Only times i left my house were for therapy at the grocery store or when my younger friends wanted to go out for a drink. I can’t believe i held on for so long. I never said no to anyone always helping out, being there but then i realized almost everyone started to say nothing at all to me and i had no idea why. didn’t really help with my emotional state. but i am still here, must count for something, right? I pushed all my friends away…so not even looking for support there, my fault.

I haven’t paid my rent which is 331.96 since may and my landlord has repeatedly tried to contact me. I can’t tell my parents or anyone who will help me? I have to get into my room tomorrow to pick up some stuff but I am sure since I heard last of him in september he either A. threw my stuff out or B. changed the locks. cops are probably waiting outside my house as we speak uh type. 

I haven’t been going to school because well i owe tuition a little over a thousand and well I don’t have that kind of money. Also haven’t paid my cellphone in months..my last bill was 118…couldn’t pay it- and that was in march.
There’s also an insurance tax fee going around of about 350 which i cannot afford either but that’s the only thing i wasn’t at fault for.

If i hadn’t called international so much my bill wouldn’t be that high. if i had gotten a job instead of being depressed and sleeping all day  i would probably could have paid my rent. If i had attended school last year i could have paid my tuition this year. i have a mentor here but since he never was helpful since my arrival in europe, i never trusted him with anything and i find it difficult to start now.
i want to get a job so that i can pay these things back, but i don’t know where to go.
my landlord also has to pay off his debts and he is the first person i want to pay back but i am so afraid of calling him. my school and phonecompany have enough money- they can wait. 

but i cannot seem to find a solution for this situation, i can’t make everyone happy again. so i am probably going to jump in front of  a train because even the thought of catching a break is ridiculous.

anyone with about 5000 to help me?